Wednesday, July 27, 2011

March 29th, 2011 - Meeting tomorrow at Shands...

I'm in a strange, quiet place in my head right now. Tomorrow I meet with the surgeon, then a few hours later, the oncologist. Per my dermatologist's suggestion yesterday, I've written a list of all my questions so I won't forget anything.

It's amazing what the mind can learn to accept in a very short time. If you had told me a month ago that I'd be having extensive surgery and very possibly cancer treatments I probably would have fainted from the shock. But the just absorbs and says "Ok, get on with it". You just so badly want to see the finish line, the waiting really makes you miserable. Waiting for test results, waiting for surgery, waiting for healing, waiting for more test results, then you start all over again.

Mostly I just feel numb. When I got my stitches out yesterday I was really happy that it didn't hurt. I was afraid that it was starting to get infected, but they said it looked fine. They said I was "Spitting a stitch" and I almost swallowed my tongue laughing. They explained that they closed the incision with two layers of stitches: one inside, and one outside. Apparently "spitting a stitch" is when your body pushes one of the inside stitches out of the incision. The nurse just reached in and pulled it out. It stung a little, but no big deal. But that's a new term for me.

What upset me was when the doctor explained that she gets concerned when a mole/tumor goes more than 1 centimeter down into the skin beneath. Mine was 3.8 , which is why she set me up with an oncologist right away. I get the feeling even if my biopsy results come back good, they might start me on cancer treatment anyways.

Hyperventalating, that was me. Poor mom is so worried about me, she was wacked out on Xanax. She was so drugged I had to make sure she didn't fall down. She really needs to back off tomorrow because I need someone to be there with me and be STRONG for me. I need someone that will listen and make sure I don't freak out. I would have Deni come with but I know it would be hard on her. I worry about the toll this is taking on my mom. I have to get back to where I can take care of them, not the other way around.

It's weird now hearing my family members refer to me as being sick, or ill, or having cancer. It just blows my mind.

Hopefully this new reality is only temporary.

No comments:

Post a Comment